The Gay Agenda

The other day a TV was tuned to Fox News where I was having lunch, and bits of it flitted in and out of my head as I ate. Some buffoon was going on about the Gay Agenda in our schools, and it occurred to me that there really is a gay agenda, for our schools and for our legislatures. Here it is, the gay version of The Protocols of the Elders of Zion, except this one is real. Read on to see what they are trying to do.

Gays want:

• To marry each other 
• To adopt kids
• To be foster parents
• To not get fired from jobs because they are gay
• To not get thrown out of the military because they are gay
• To not be thrown out of the family because they are gay
• To not get beat up because they're gay
• For schools to teach that gay is one of  the normal ways people are wired
• To visit their spouse in the hospital
• To inherit property from their spouse
• To have sex the way they like it rather than the way Jerry Falwell likes it
• To be not just tolerated but accepted in as many forms as straights are. If it's okay for a rapper in a music video to act thuggish and macho, it should be okay for  Friends of Dorothy* to march in matching blue pinafores, white blouses, and ruby slippers.

I'm down with that. I've always felt that laws against gay marriage were unconstitutional, because it's telling religions who can take part in a religious sacrament. It would be like telling them who could be baptized, or confirmed, or ordained. Just who do we think we are? The government should get out of the religious aspect of marriage and concentrate on the civil aspects, such as inheritance and contracts and visitation, which should be open to any people who want to sign up for it. We should purge federal law of references to marriage and replace them with civil partnerships. Then any religion can marry or not marry anybody they want. No church should be forced to marry gays, and no church should be prohibited from doing it.

In return, straights should be able to laugh at campy gays. (What's the use of having friends if you can't laugh at them?) Am I gay? None of your damn business. But it should be obvious I'm at least a fellow traveler.

*I had no idea:

In the early 1980s, the Naval Investigative Service was investigating homosexuality in the Chicago area. Agents discovered that gay men sometimes referred to themselves as "friends of Dorothy." Unaware of the historical meaning of the term, the NIS believed that a woman named Dorothy was at the center of a massive ring of homosexual military personnel. The NIS launched an enormous hunt for Dorothy, hoping to find her and convince her to reveal the names of gay service members.